Guilt, 2020

Havar, fall, 2020
mini-update

Amanda didn't stop the tears that flowed. She was finally alone and could think...and feel. The last six simweeks were turmoil.

She had woken up that morning and headed straight to the toilet. As she watched the contents of her dinner enter the bowl until she was vomiting stomach acid, she knew...she knew what was happening. She didn't need a test, but she took one anyway.

What are we going to do with a baby? We can't afford a baby. We don't have room for a baby.

They talked and talked. Planned and re-planned. There wasn't room in the apartment for a baby. They needed Gerald's share of the rent, so they couldn't kick him out. Amanda's student loans were so high that the repayments were more than their rent. They didn't qualify for loans for a house due to those student loans. Family wasn't in a position to help them. They just couldn't afford a baby.

Maybe...maybe we can get it...taken care of...

Maybe...maybe we can adopt...

Do you think you would be able to give away our baby...after...after the pregnancy?

How about we just wait and think a little bit more about it...about our...our options.

They waited and waited. The options were no good. They didn't want to do any of them.

The night before their first appointment, Amanda couldn't sleep. They would be seeing the beating heart of their baby...their baby. She was so nervous that her stomach was crampy and queasy.

Then...then she wasn't so sure that it was the nerves at all. When she sat up and felt the stickiness between her legs and saw the blood stains, she knew. She didn't need the ultersound or the blood draws, which only confirmed everything. She was sent home to allow nature to run its course as her body said goodbye to the baby.

She felt so guilty. She hadn't wanted her baby to die! But then she felt guilty for feeling guilty since they were discussing getting it taken care of, and she couldn't pretend that having a pregnancy taken care of meant a bed of fluffy clouds for the baby.

How dare she feel guilty when she was thinking of doing he exact same thing to the baby. Part of her felt relief, since the pregnancy was unplanned and then very quickly the guilt and shame followed.

Could the baby have sensed that it wasn't wanted and decided to leave on its own terms?

Could she have caused the miscarriage?

How should one feel when they lose a baby that they never wanted in the first place?

Is there a special place in hell for her, since she didn't want the baby?

Would she ever be able to have another baby in the future?

Maybe she wasn't worthy of another baby...She didn't appreciate the little life that she held inside her when she was lucky enough to have it.

What kind of sim was she that she didn't want a child?

Her emotions and thoughts swirled around her, changing every five seconds and threatening to drown her. She wasn't the type to sob and scream, instead her tears just flowed fast and furiously as she struggled to take deep breaths.

Now their problem was solved...in a neat little blood soaked package. They didn't have to worry about trying to afford a baby...or considering adoption...or abortion. They didn't have a choice in the matter anymore. Life handed them a solution wrapped up in a bow...but...but just as they didn't want the problem...they didn't want the solution.