Verde is 30, Lainey is 30, Esperanza is 5, Carmela is 57
Optional Soundtrack: Happy-Leona Lewis
narrated by Lainey
Verde didn't take the news of the divorce the way I envisioned. I knew that he wouldn't be happy, but I thought he would say ok. The way he always does, without a fight. That man is full of surprises. Just when I thought that he didn't care and that he was ready to throw the towel in, he surprises me.
Apparently he's been going to counseling. Couples counseling. Alone. He said that anytime I want to come, I'm welcome to come. I'm not sure what they talk about but he's trying really hard to win me back...yet he's not trying at all. He's not forcing me to go to counseling and he's not bowing to my every whim and desire either.
We went out on a date to celebrate Valentine's Day and my birthday, Carmela gladly took Esperanza to see a movie so we could get ready in peace. Before they left, there was singing and cake and a few gifts. My daughter made a necklace from macoroni and Verde gave me a book, The Complete History of the Elite. After they left for the movie, we dressed and left the house.
First we walked to the new jewelry store. I laughed internally thinking that he planned on wooing me back with diamonds.
Instead we browsed around the shop and he picked up a small bracelet for his mother.
"You look amazing," he said before taking my hand in his and leading me out the door.
It's moments like these that make me reconsider. Verde is a good man. I love him. He's a great father. So what's the problem? Why can't we just work through this?
We went to "The Sip", a new wine bar and tapas place. I've been wanting to go there since the doors opened, but there was always a line and it seemed impossible to get in. Apparently, Verde pulled some strings and got a reservation.
We had a perfect seat outside and the weather was warm but not uncomfortable. The kind of perfect weather that happens only three times a simlonic year.
When he reached across the table, my hand intertwined with his out of habit.
Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. Those are the days that I remember how he looked at S'Ahmisa as compared to how he looked at me.
How perhaps we should have never gotten married to begin with.
How maybe I compromised too much. I knew that I have to chose what I win or lose, but maybe I shouldn't have chosen Verde.
S'Ahmisa is a part of the past. I see him look at me not quite the same way he looked at her, but his look when he sees me...it seems like so much more than she ever had.
The only one?
A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. My daughter will grow up going between two homes, two lives, two families. I'll have to enter the dating scene again and attempt trying to find a new partner as a single mother.
Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. But then again, it's always been there.
Since our wedding day. I knew that my choice came with a price.
My happiness was a fragile house of cards.
Knowing that I wasn't his first choice, but that he was mine. Perhaps that was it.
He wasn't my first choice either,
he was my only choice.
I didn't want to be alone and now what am I doing? Running away so that I can be alone.
But why is he making it so hard. Ok, that's not fair. He's not making it hard. Maybe it really is me...maybe I should try this counseling thing...
This is so hard.
So what if it hurts me, so what if I break down. So what if this world throws me off the edge and my feet run out of ground. I have to find my place, feel my sound. I don't care about the pain all around me.
I just want to be happy.
Happy by Leona Lewis was also the soundtrack to Verde and Lainey's wedding and I found it fitting for this piece as well.