Simply Held, 2010

Peacar, winter, 2010


Jorge and Jolie are 43, Grace Elise is 15, Ashlee is 12, Esther is 8, Chase and Amyra are 7

Optional Soundtrack: Heaven is the Face-Steven Curtis Chapman

"Hold still, the light is still blinking."

"When do we smile?"

"Ok, now! Smile!"

Grace Elise tried to grin as the flash lit up the room. She was still in awe that she made it to see another Christmas with her family.

It had been a wonderful Christmas Eve. The morning was spent eating her favorite chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs. Then she convinced her family to spend the whole day in their pajamas. Without hesitation, they all agreed. It was still something Grace Elise was getting used to. All she had to do was mention how nice something would be and like magic it was done without question.

"Darn it!" Jolie shouted as she opened the oven to allow the cloud of smoke to fill the room.

She lifted the crispy roast and she wanted to cry. She was trying so hard to make everything perfect. She wanted Grace Elise to enjoy this Christmas since the odds were that she wouldn't be around to see another one. Everything was planned as much as it could be. She was making all of Grace Elise's favorite foods and the children had spent the days helping to decorate everything.

"What's wrong, mami?" Amyra said entering the kitchen.

"I burnt the roast..."

"That's ok, you have extra ingredients. Just make another one."

"Another one. You're right." Jolie quickly took out the items that she needed.

"Ooo and we can make cookies while you work on it."

 

"Cookies? We're making cookies?" Ashlee asked entering the hub of excitement.

 

She put a large smile on her face as the smells of the kitchen tickled her nose. She was surprised that they didn't get a ticket for tacky holiday decorations. Everywhere she looked there was something for the holidays. The twins had colored and cut-out snowmen to decorate the kitchen island, there were big plaid bows everywhere and it seemed as if every available space was crammed with something representing the joy of Christmas.

 

"I love cookies, maybe we can make some sugar ones...for santa." Grace Elise said winking.

 

"Yes, please can we make cookies? Please?"
 
"Yes, of course. Ashlee, do you mind making the cookies while I finish the second roast."
 

 
Grace Elise smiled watching her family move about the kitchen adding items to bowls, rubbing meats to coax the delicate flavors from them and laughing over jokes. She tried not to cry, but sometimes it was so hard. She didn't want to leave all of this. She tried to take in every detail, every smell and sound.
 
"Dinner's ready," Jolie announced as she took the second juicier roast from the oven.
 

 
Jorge smiled at his family as they surrounded the table. He couldn't help looking over at Grace Elise, his hija, his little girl. He desperately searched her face, etching each detail into his mind. The brightness of her green eyes that mirrored his own, her wide smile and the musical notes in her laughter.
 
He turned back to his meal and wondered if the grieving process would be different if they didn't know that each day could be her last. Would he still wake up in the middle of the night and enter her room and sit by her bed, thankful that her chest was still rising up and down and listening to her breaths. Would he be so angry, blaming God for daring to take his little girl away, his hija.
 
A loud crash in the living room startled the family from their meal and they all rushed into the room to see a rounded man standing there.
 
"Merry Christmas!"
 

 
"Santa!!!" Chase and Amyra squealed.
 

 
Jorge smiled, thankful that the agency had come through in time. He sat on the couch and hugged his wife close as the man handed out gifts.
 

 
Grace Elise got the new pink ballet slippers she wanted, Ashlee got the MP3 player and Esther received a portable game player. The twins got new toys and Jorge even made sure that Jolie received a new journal while she ensured that he would have a new watch. There was also a new stereo for the entire family to enjoy.
 

 
They sat there in silence long after the man snuck away leaving the little ones in awe at having met santa. They held each other's hands and tried to enjoy the scene before them. Their minds couldn't help but drift to several days earlier when they sat on the same couch in the same position, but the house was much quieter. Only the soft voice of their eldest filled their ears as she calmly handed them small electronic sticks.
 
"What is it?"
 
"It's me, my voice," she had said so calmly. "Whenever you think of me...or if you get sad, just play it."
 
Jorge pressed play on his thin stick and Grace Elise's voice filled the room. She was singing the song that he would sing to her whenever she was sick or scared. He had tried hard not to cry, but the tears fell freely from his eyes that day.
 

 
"I can't believe that he came early!"
 

 
"Do you think he'll come again tomorrow morning?"
 

 
"I can't believe you like him."
 

 
"Whatever," Ashlee responded. "Which boy do you like? I bet it's Bryant."
 
Grace Elise laughed. "Actually, I don't even like guys. I like girls."
 
"What?"
 

 
"I can't believe that I used to worry about that...it's funny how death puts things in perspective."
 
"Don't say that,"
 
"It does," Grace Elise sighed. "It changes so much."
 
"Are you tired?" Jolie asked from the couch, "Are you ready for bed?"
 

 
Grace Elise shook her head as she leaned against the couch. She didn't want the moment to end. Technically it was a little after midnight and she was thankful that she had officially made it to see Christmas Day. She wanted to hold onto the moment forever.
 
"Could we sleep downstairs tonight? All in the same room?"
 
Jorge nodded quickly and Ashlee ran upstairs to get pillows. Soon the family was spread across the floor, surrounded by the empty gift boxes and crumbled wrapping paper.
 
---
 

 
Jolie turned over to an empty space and lifted her head.
 

 
Her back was killing her, she was much too old to be sleeping on the floor.
 

 
When she focused her eyes on the scene before her the pain disappeared instantly to be replaced by another.
 

 
"Jorge?"
 

 
Her husband wouldn't meet her eyes, but she knew. She knew by the wet marks that scarred his cheeks. She knew by the way he held their daughter tightly in his arms.
 
She crawled over to them, her heart breaking with each movement. Her eyes clouded with the tears and her silent sobs racking her body.
 

 
When she touched her body, it was chilled to the touch. Her tiny body felt as light as it did that day fifteen simyears ago when she entered the world. They held her tightly as the fire died and their children slept soundly surrounding them, unaware that Grace Elise had slipped quietly from this world.
 

 
They held her one last time, their hearts aching, their eyes red and noses raw from their spent sorrow. Her hair still smelled like her favorite shampoo and her lips were stained with the remains of chocolate chip cookies. Some of the things that they would now miss with her gone.

 
They held her one last time, before the morning sun found that the Christmas joy would be missing from one family. They simply held their daughter, like all parents hold their children.
 

 
They held each other and cradled their daughter in their arms, much like the day she was born. That day when they felt the weight of her in their arms and they vowed to keep her safe from harm. Now they held her, wishing that they could have protected her, could have kept her safe from harm.